Jim's Space

 

"Sometimes we put up walls, not to block people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down."

Lyrics Here!

In recent years it has become popular to read the "Promises" (read them here) in A.A. meetings. At first I was opposed to this because there is almost never any mention of these promises being a result of working step 9, that a great many other "Promises" have to come to pass before these are even possible, or that these promises are actually a part of the greater Spiritual Experience talked about in step 12. And of course, the newcomer has little, if any, understanding of what the "Promises" mean. As an example: Fear...of economic insecurity will leave us usually gets translated by the newcomer to mean I won't be poor...LOL. The 4th step teaches us that "fear of economic insecurity" is a character defect that has little or nothing to do with money! So, if you read the "Promises" in reference to your 4th & 5th steps you'll see that what we are being promised is that many of our character defects will be lifted as a result of working step 9! But, never the less, even if misunderstood, the "Promises" are a message of hope for the newcomer that things will get better, and if nothing else, the A.A. message is one of hope for the newcomer.

So, how does one get these "Promises" to come to pass in one's life? The simple answer is to work the twelve steps! But, as we will see, there are promises that come with steps 3 through 8 that must come to pass first. If you have missed out on any of these I would suggest that you go back to that step and redo it until that promise comes true for you!

Before we cover steps 3 through 9 lets take a look at steps 1 and 2.

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

The first four chapters of the Big Book and the Doctors Opinion are about steps 1 & 2, and are meant to bring the reader to accept three ideas about themselves AND one decision about their life. The three ideas are:

• That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
• That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
• That God could and would if He were sought.

No alcoholic can proceed with the steps and hope for ANY of the promises to come true until he comes to accept these truths about himself. Bill W. went as far to say in the original manuscript (found here) of "How it Works",

"If you are not convinced on these vital issues, you ought to re-read the book to this point or else throw it away!"

Then the alcoholic must make a decision about his life:

"Being convinced, we were at Step Three, which is that we decided to turn our will and our life over to God as we understood Him. Just what do we mean by that, and just what do we do?

The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. (Underline added) On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. Most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. But, as with most humans, he is more likely to have varied traits." (Alcoholics Anonymous "How it Works")

If the alcoholic has reached this state of mind, accepted the three ideas about himself and has made this decision about his life, he is ready to experience the "Promises" of steps 3 through 12! You may ask, "Can I work the steps even if I haven't completely bought into these ideas?" Well, many people have and have gotten something from it. Each of the steps (3 through 12) have at their foundation spiritual principles. Any attempt at living life based on these principles will bare fruit. But, if what you are longing for is the "Promises" of step 9 to come true you will have to back up to steps 1 & 2 and become convinced! (OR if you are convinced and have worked the steps without the 9th step "Promises" coming true, you will need to back up to the step where you missed its "promise")

Ok, lets stop here for a moment. You find yourself unconvinced of these ideas and can not make this decision, what to do? How do you "work" steps 1 & 2? The ONLY definitive answer to that question found in all of our literature comes from the 12 & 12: "Try some more controlled drinking", I know that sounds harsh, but it is effective! Truth is though, rarely have I found it necessary to give that suggestion to anyone (but I have). What I usually suggest is that you re-read the Big Book (first 4 chapters), read the stories found in the back of the Big Book, and attend lots of speaker meetings. I have seen this work for most folks, but if all else fails and you are still unconvinced then by all means go drink. If that doesn't convince you, nothing will...LOL.

Now, for the promises. As I cover these I will not try to explain how to work these steps. There are very clear and simple directions for each of them in the Big Book and hopefully you have a sponsor who can help you with them as needed. And, I will not cover all of the promises, just the ones I consider necessary for the "Promises" of step 9 to come to pass. (If you, dear reader, feel that I have left something out, please leave me a comment and I will amend this posting to include it).

Step 3

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Many of us said to our Maker, as we understood Him: "God, I offer myself to Thee -- to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" We thought well before taking this step making sure we were ready; that we could at last abandon ourselves utterly to Him. (Underline added, Alcoholics Anonymous "How it Works")

Step 3 Promise

When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well. Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our own little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn. (Underline added, Alcoholics Anonymous "How it Works")

Step 4

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action, the first step of which is a personal housecleaning, which many of us had never attempted. Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions. (Underline added, Alcoholics Anonymous "How it Works")

Step 4 Promises

We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one.

Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity.

We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear.

We have listed and analyzed our resentments. We have begun to comprehend their futility and their fatality. We have commenced to see their terrible destructiveness. We have begun to learn tolerance, patience and good will toward all men, even our enemies, for we look on them as sick people.

We hope you are convinced now that God can remove whatever self-will has blocked you off from Him.

(Underline added, Alcoholics Anonymous "How it Works")

Steps 5-7

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

There is a solution. Almost none of us liked the self-searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its successful consummation. But we saw that it really worked in others, and we had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it. (Underline added, Alcoholics Anonymous "There is a Solution")

Step 5-7 Promise

Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe. (Alcoholics Anonymous "Into Action")

(Note: this promise does not say maybe this will happen or sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, it says Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing...)

In my mind steps 5 through 7 always go together since the working of these steps is done at the same time (at least according to the Big Book). I believe that many miss out on this "Promise" by separating these steps by days or weeks. I also believe that this "Promise" is the most important one and that if you miss out on this one the rest of the steps will have little to no effect on you or your life. With the exception that helping another alcoholic WILL keep you sober, you will just be miserable! If you have missed out on this promise I would strongly suggest that you go back and do another 4th step, then work steps 5-7 on the same day as outlined in the Big Book! Repeat this process until this promise comes true for you! Don't give up, it will come!

Side note: Over the years I have seen many who missed out on this promise try to replace it with religion. Please don't get me wrong, I am a strong believer in religion. I consider myself a Christian and served as a deacon in my church for 5 years. The Big Book suggests that we return to our various religions, especially since we will have so much to offer in light of having had this 5th step Spiritual Experience. What I'm talking about is the person who tries to replace walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe with rituals, liturgies, works and prayers written by others. Not to say that any of these things are bad in and of themselves. Even the Big Book says Faith with out works is dead, but they are not a replacement for faith. And even though these things can add to the spiritual experience found in steps 5-7, they will not bring about the spiritual experience. (At least I have never known an alcoholic to get it that way, else church would have worked for many of us long before ever coming to A.A.)

Steps 8 & 9

Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Now we need more action, without which we find that "Faith without works is dead." Let's look at Steps Eight and Nine. We have a list of all persons we have harmed and to whom we are willing to make amends. We made it when we took inventory. We subjected ourselves to a drastic self-appraisal. Now we go out to our fellows and repair the damage done in the past. We attempt to sweep away the debris which has accumulated out of our effort to live on self-will and run the show ourselves. If we haven't the will to do this, we ask until it comes. (Underline added, Alcoholics Anonymous "Into Action")

Our behavior will convince them more than our words. We must remember that ten or twenty years of drunkenness would make a skeptic out of anyone. (Alcoholics Anonymous "Into Action")

Steps 8 & 9 Promises

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. (Underline added, Alcoholics Anonymous "Into Action")

Again, I cover steps 8 & 9 together because the Big Book does as well. As I said earlier, I believe that these "Promises" are the result of the work done earlier in the steps as well as steps 8 & 9 and are the culmination of the earlier promises. That these promises are the final touches on the Spiritual Experience that came with steps 5-7.

Step 10

Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

We vigorously commenced this way of living as we cleaned up the past. We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime. Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Love and tolerance of others is our code. (Underline added, Alcoholics Anonymous "Into Action")

Step 10 Promise

And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone, even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition. (Underline added, Alcoholics Anonymous "Into Action")

I threw this one in as a bonus...LOL. But, really, I believe that this promise is the benchmark for all the rest of the promises. If this one has not come true for you, something vital is missing in your program. Please go back through the steps and see what might be missing. The answers are there and will come to you if you work for them, that's a Promise!

Sorry I haven't been on here in a while. I just set up a MySpace and that has taken in up a lot of time...LOL! Seems there are lots of people who want to be "friends". I promise to be back here soon. I hope to do a post on the "Promises", not just the 9th step ones, but all the ones from step 4 to 9. I believe for the 9th steps ones to come true the others have to happen first. So, I'll be going into those. If you have some comments on these before I cover them, that would be helpful.

Back soon I promise...LOL

When I was very young (17) I was married for a couple of years. We had a daughter when I was 18. When her mother and I split up she moved out west taking the girl with her. I very quickly lost touch with them (due in large part to my drinking). It wasn't until I had been sober a few years (almost twenty years later) that we got in touch and visited a bit. Then, as now, I wish there was some kind of amends that could make for not being there for her all those years right. I of course offered to start keeping in touch and hopefully start becoming a part of her life. But, as the saying goes, "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree", and she had to live a life that brought her to where she is today. We didn't keep in touch, except for infrequent calls or cards during holidays.

The other day she called me to let me know that she now has a wonderful life, partner AND a two year old son! Since then we have been talking on the phone every day, IM'img in the mornings and at night, and of course I've gotten lots of pictures in emails!

Of all the wonderful things God has done for me recently, I can think of no greater gift than this one! Though I know that I could never do anything that would bring back the years lost or make right the harm done. To have her in my life now is a precious gift that is truly above all that God has done before!

In an earlier posting I noted that I had reached a place in my life that I told God that "Its just You and me now". I admitted then that this was probably not the best of choices, possibly brought on by pride, ego, and maybe depression. Some friends even tell me I am on a "dry drunk" and acting on "old behavior". And you know what? All that might very well be true...LOL. But, for right or wrong, one day at a time I have said to God, "If I eat today, have a place to live today, am of service today, or whatever today, You (God) will have to bring it about. I can only do what You have placed before me to do and what I can do is not enough." My part in the "just You and me" deal may have been for all the wrong reasons, but God has remained God, meeting all my needs AND bringing about miracles that many others said could not be done OR that I could not have dared dream of!

Even at my worst, God remains at His best!

A 12th Step Prayer

My spiritual awakening continues to unfold. The help I have received I shall pass on & give to others, both in & out of the Fellowship. For this opportunity I am grateful. I pray most humbly to continue walking day by day on the road of spiritual progress. I pray for the inner strength & wisdom to practice the principles of this way of life in all I do & say. I need You, my friends and the program every hour of every day. This is a better way to live.

God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come, if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven't got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us.

Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.

Just want to say thanks to all my friends, sponsees, grand sponsees, my sponsor and of course God for all the understanding and support that I have gotten the past couple of weeks!  God has brought about great miracles in my life recently. Equally as amazing has been the love of all those close to me. Times of transition have always been scary for me (typical alcoholic thinking I guess...LOL)

We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be!

Again, thanks to all for making it easier to transition forward!

Ok, I got a lot of flack over my saying I was leaving the fellowship (even if for only awhile). Even though I got a lot of support for my decision to leave my current home group, it was strongly suggested by all that I find a new one and continue my work! LOL, sponsees and friends, God love 'em!

On another note, though there had been some talk from the program I'm in that is preparing me for "real" work about sending me back to school, it was far from certain. They had never sponsored someone going back for their "Masters" degree before. So, in the "career" planning sessions there were always alternate plans for what I might do. Yesterday the decision came down that I have been selected to be sponsored!!!! I was standing in my case worker's office with several other case workers when it was announced, believe me, I was not the only one that got "goose bumps"...LOL! I can choose any university in the state AND they will provide housing while I'm in school!!!!! When I left the office I immediately ran to the nearest restroom to kneel in one of the stalls to thank God. Since it is too late to apply for the fall semester I'll have to wait till the first of the year to start, but in the mean time, the various agencies involved are working on providing me free housing now and all of the other services I need. Whew! It should be soon, but I hope that I can hold out till then. This has been a very rough week. Hate to admit this, but very little food or smokes this week. Just rounded up all my pennies and got a pack of smokes. (I really miss 'em when their gone...LOL). Any way, very good things are coming soon, and I guess God wouldn't get me this close and let me down now. I hope anyway, I've really been wondering where He has been this week. I told a friend earlier that I'm sure that it is my pride and/or ego to blame. I know that my friends would have helped, but I've had to ask so much for so long, that I refuse to do it any more. I told God on Monday, "Its just You and me now"...LOL. It hasn't gone well on a day by day basis, but news of the future has been great. But, future hope doesn't put food on the table. We will see how long my pride holds up...LOL.

Another song has been uploaded for your listening pleasure! This one is a bit hard to explain, it came at a moment (a brief moment) when this was true:

"That thing, that moment when you kiss someone everything becomes hazy, and the only thing in focus is you and this person. And you realize that that person is the only person you are supposed to kiss for the rest of your life. And for one moment you get this amazing gift, and you wanna laugh and you wanna cry because you feel so lucky you have found it and so scared that it will go away all at the same time"

It was a brief moment that did go away, but in that moment. it was magical, spiritual, frightening, sensual, but above all, there was a sense of awe. Not because of what happened (which was not so unusual between lovers), but because our pasts said it could not happen.

As I said before, it is hard to explain how this song has come to remind me of that night. But it is the song that stuck with us both that night (Which I guess was an omen of the brevity of the moment)

Lyrics Here!

Though it may come as a surprise to some, I'm sure many will breath a sigh of relief...LOL. I am leaving the fellowship for a while. I know that the conventional wisdom is that this is the sign of an impending relapse! But it has not worked out that way for me in the past. Over the years in recovery I have moved from town to town. Usually these moves were work related, but at other times circumstances beyond my control (i.e. family, sickness) was the cause. The pattern has always been the same. I move to a new area, start some meetings or build one up that is dying, sponsor a boat load of people, then with much sadness have to move on. I hate to count the number of times I have been through this in the past 19 years...LOL. Of course, I am blessed to have a great number of dear friends around the country, but I obviously don't get to see them much. Often I have wondered why God has worked things out this way, but have never gotten an answer.

I must admit that this time it is a bit different. After a long spell of illness that kept me from attending meetings for about 8 months I started to go back to meetings in a small town not too far from where I was living. I was not able to drive at first and someone from there was willing to give me rides. As I got better I continued to attend these meetings and made it my home group. At the same time my daughter was coming of age to be on her own. When a friend offered for me to come stay with them (in the other town) I decided to turn my home over to my daughter to help her get started in life. And so, here I was, yet again in a new town, in a new home group.

At first, it was better than it had ever been! The group size and the number of people I was sponsoring exploded! I believe that this was due entirely to God. For you see, God had shown me just before this time that I needed to make indirect amends to people that had been hurt in the same way that I had hurt people that I could not make direct amends to. Unlooked for and unsought after, people who had suffered and who could not expect any direct amends came to me asking for sponsorship. To my joy, I was able to help them all and my amends have been completed.

Then something odd happened that I am still asking God as to why. Someone who had not attended this meeting the whole time I was there took umbrage to the work I was doing and started telling outrageous lies about me (ie I was doing drugs and sleeping with my sponsees). At first, this had little effect on the group or the work I was doing. But he decided to make this his home group as well and continues to spread gossip about me. He has even been able to turn a couple of sponsees away from me and undo some of the work I have done with them. The group continues to grow, but the divide is obvious. It even spills over socially. The once wildly popular "Girl Talk" meetings have stopped. And I am uninvited to events that include certain people.

The last meeting I attended there I knew it was my last. My work is done, amends made. I felt sadness of course. But it was far different than ever before. Always when I left an area, I knew that I had left the group stronger and that there where people who would and could continue the work. Obviously, these things can and do happen without me...LOL. But, I could always feel good about the part I played and knew that I would be missed. I do know that some will miss me, and that their lives where made better by my being a part of theirs (as my was made better by them), but, I fear for the group. The "Bleeding Deacons" are in charge now...LOL. The 12&12 talks about how this will turn out (but I'll leave that you, gentle reader, to read for yourself)

I do know what your thinking, and I agree, I am due for yet another 4 & 5 step! But, I always judge "God's Will" against "The power to carry that out". All doors have closed for me here and amazing ones have opened in another town (place of my own, a real job, free education, etc). And as always, I'll post on all this soon

You can now IM me using any messenger at: jim-perry@live.com

I know its been awhile since I've posted and have promised several postings on relationships, finding out that I'm going to be a grandfather, and of course life in general. Please be patient, I promise that this Friday there will be several postings that will get everything up to date! I also haven't been able to post comments on my friend's blogs either, but I promise to get all that caught up too this Friday. As usual, expect lots of honesty and perhaps some controversy...LOL. (Though, I promise to NOT to name names...LOL)

I have just learned that I am going to be a grandfather! While I'm sure I will have much to say about this soon, for now I am still processing the news. Will post soon on this!

An alcoholic, at the termination of a long and painful spree, decides that he has had enough. This decision is announced loudly and vehemently to all who will listen. His sincerity cannot be questioned. He means every word of it. Yet he knows, and so do those who hear him, that he will be singing another tune before many weeks have elapsed. For the moment he seems to have accepted his alcoholism but it is only with a skin-deep assurance. He will certainly revert to drinking. What we see here is compliance in action. During the time when his memory of the suffering entailed by a spree is acute and painful he agrees to anything and everything. But deep inside, in his unconscious, the best he can do is to comply -- which means that, when the reality of his drinking problem becomes undeniable, he no longer argues with incontrovertible facts. The fight, so to speak, has been knocked out of him. As time passes and the memory of his suffering weakens, the need for compliance lessens. As the need diminishes, the half of compliance which never really accepted begins to stir once more and soon resumes its way. The need for accepting the illness of alcoholism is ignored because, after all, deep inside he really did not mean it, he had only complied. Of course consciously the victim of all this is completely in the dark. What he gets is messages from below which slowly bring about a change in conscious attitudes. For a while drink was anathema but now he begins to toy with the thought of one drink, and so on, until finally, as the non-cooperative element in compliance takes over, he has his first drink. The other half of compliance has won out; the alcoholic is the unwitting victim of his unconscious inclinations.

Dr. Harry M. Tiebout, A.A. Trustee from 1957 to 1966, and was chairman of the National Council on Alcoholism in 1950

In my early recovery I hated working with this type of alcoholic. At the time, it seemed pointless. Everyone knew that they would drink again, probably within a few weeks. At each meeting they attended you could see the memory of their last spree leaving them, thus the motivation for not drinking fade as well. We alcoholics seem to have a built in "forgetter". If we had to rely on memory to stay sober we'd be doomed...LOL! Any way, I actually enjoy working with these folks now. I have found that if I can teach them enough about the disease of alcoholism before they drink again, John Barleycorn will teach them the rest and they will be back, much more likely to surrender!

In recent years I seen the rise of a type of alcoholic that is like the one described above, thinks willpower and support are all that are needed to stay sober, but differs in motivation. This type wants to simply recuperate from the effects of alcoholism. Simply put, he wants the "bad" things in his life to stop AND for "good" things to start happening. Of course this sounds good and is the very reason many of us come to A.A. in the first place. Few us come to A.A. to find "recovery", fellowship, God, or to become better human beings...LOL. The problem for the alcoholic that is simply recuperating is that even though he hears all about what is needed to "recover" from alcoholism, he takes as proof the fact that bad things have stopped and good things are happening that all he needs is willpower and support to stay sober.

The sad part is that merely stopping drinking will bring this about in the life of any alcoholic. You don't need A.A., God, the Fellowship, the Big Book, a sponsor, or anything else to make the "bad" things brought about by drinking stop and for good things to start happening. Just stop drinking! In fact, every active alcoholic intuitively knows this, that's why they stop! (From time to time)

Unfortunately, there are many in A.A that will give the "program" and attending meetings the credit for this turn of events in this alcoholic's life. And they will point to the "good" things happening in this alcoholic's life as proof that they are working a "program"! Of course the real problem is that "not drinking" is the real explanation for the events in this alcoholic's life and unless they actually do work the program (ALL of the twelve steps) they will drink again.

There is a solution. Almost none of us liked the self- searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its successful consummation. But we saw that it really worked in others, and we had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it. When, therefore, we were approached by those in whom the problem had been solved, there was nothing left for us but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at out feet. We have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed.

More About Alcoholism (Big Book)

Unlike the alcoholic discussed earlier, the "recuperating" alcoholic can stay "sober" for months, perhaps up to a couple of years. Pretty much for as long as new "good" things keep happening. But, the time is limited! Sooner or later something "bad" will happen and without a spiritual foundation they will be driven to drink for lack of any other choice. OR because the "good" things are so called because they appeal to self will and pride, thus doomed to disappointment. Leaving an emptiness greater than before quitting drinking, thus again driven to drink for lack of any other choice! OR the hallmark symptom of our disease, "Restless, Irritable and Discontented" kicks in and they (as always) are driven to drink.

How do you spot this type of alcoholic? He's been in A.A. more than six months and has not worked steps 4 & 5 yet AND points to the fact that his life is getting "better" as proof that he is working a program. How do you work with this type of alcoholic? I guess in the same way you do with the first type of alcoholic I discussed, try to teach them as much about the disease of alcoholism before they drink again (which they will) and hope John Barleycorn teaches them enough so that when they return they will surrender!.

My last update brought about some very unexpected emails from friends. As it turns out, many of the women I know thought that I was talking about them flirting with me instead of thinking of themselves as among those that I consider as friends and simply enjoy their company. The truth is that most of the women who are flirting with me don't know me that well. Which of course may explain why they are...LOL. Any way, as it turns out, there was one friend who actually was flirting with me (and I didn't even pick up on it), and she's going to continue in spite of me mucking things up! Whew!

So, too ALL my friends: I know that I am still sensitive, and am pretty sure that when two people are aside talking in a meeting its about me...LOL! So, I guess if a friend of mine was doing a blog about their life and said something rude about others (even though names where left out), I'd be pretty sure it was about me!!! I will in the future try to be clearer and less "rude".

But, dear reader, you can help me. If you think I'm talking about you in one of my posts, ask me. I will tell you. My life is an open book and I wear my emotions on my sleeve.

On my web site Recovery Daily I have a daily contemplation. Usually they are short inspirational, recovery, or humorous quotes. I also email these quotes out to friends Mon-Fri. If you would like to be included in on this, email me at editor@recoverydaily.com

Hers's today's as an example:

What really matters is that there is so much faith and love and kindliness which we can share with and provoke in others, and that by clean, simple, generous living we approach perfection in the highest and most lovely of all arts. ... But you, I think, have always comprehended this.

---- Anonymous

Again, for those keeping track...LOL. Settled into my new living arraignments, the whole roommate thing is working out better than I had hoped. I didn't really know my roommate well before I moved in, except that he is the ex of a previous sponsee. (Yes, I sponsor women, and of course, there will be a lengthy posting on that subject soon). We give each other a lot of space when we're both home and because I'm out at meetings on most nights (and visiting friends), we aren't both at home much. But, we have had occasions when we have sat and talked about life, the program, relationships and so on. He really is a great guy and as I said, things are going better than first hoped.

On the other hand, I must admit that I actually miss staying with my friends. It was nice feeling like I was part of the family. Or, at least vicariously...LOL. I suppose it was leaving there that led to my "Where I'm At" posting. So, I'm thankful that I got to spend the time with them. It is funny how God works. When I was there (sleeping on their couch) I was embarrassed that my life had taken that turn. (And perhaps I should be...LOL). But, it was that experience that caused me to look at the whole of my life and realize that all in all my life has been pretty good!

On the job front: my part time jobs are winding down and next week I start full time with the program that is supposed to help me transition back into the "real" work force. Huge change in my life! For a very long time I have had lots of free time to devote to sponsees and the program.

Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail. This is our twelfth suggestion: Carry this message to other alcoholics! You can help when no one else can. You can secure their confidence when others fail. Remember they are very ill.

Life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends -- this is an experience you must not miss. We know you will not want to miss it. Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives. ("Working with Others", Big Book)

Through all the trials and tribulations of my life the past few years, this is what has carried me. No matter how badly I screw up my life, at that moment when I get to see "the Light come on" in the eyes of someone struggling with recovery, all my cares and worries disappear. True, there are many things I want in life, but none seem as important or rewarding as being a part of literally saving the lives of alcoholics! I know how odd this may sound to those who have not experienced this yet, but for those of you who have, you know exactly what I mean. My problem is that so far in my recovery I have either worked a job full time and devoted myself to building up my material condition OR I have worked recovery full time and devoted myself to building up my spiritual condition. Never have I tried to balance the two. I know lots of people who do, so I know it can be done. Besides, since my sponsor was kind enough to point out that I have the character defect of "sloth"...LOL, I suppose that returning to full time work will be a good start on working to remove that shortcoming!

On the car front: still no car, or pressing need for one just yet. But, several friends are in the used car business and are on the look out for a really cheap "Beater" for me! And a couple of friends have said they may even give me one!

On the finding a woman front: It would seem that my luck has changed for the worse Better! (Note: a dear friend pointed out that this actually is a good thing and she is right...LOL) Several women have actually started overtly flirting with me! Fortunately, I also have several women friends that I can and do spend time with. I do so enjoy the company of a woman, but not sure that I am ready for anything more just yet.

Final note, I know I promised to do a posting on my relationships in recovery soon. But, since I am doing a 4th step on the last relationship I should probably wait till after I have done the 5th for that. I'm meeting with my sponsor Thursday for that purpose, so you won't have to wait long I promise.

Stage 8. Late Adulthood: 55 or 65 to Death

Ego Development Outcome: Integrity vs. Despair

Basic Strengths: Wisdom

Erikson felt that much of life is preparing for the middle adulthood stage and the last stage is recovering from it. Perhaps that is because as older adults we can often look back on our lives with happiness and are content, feeling fulfilled with a deep sense that life has meaning and we've made a contribution to life, a feeling Erikson calls integrity. Our strength comes from a wisdom that the world is very large and we now have a detached concern for the whole of life, accepting death as the completion of life.

On the other hand, some adults may reach this stage and despair at their experiences and perceived failures. They may fear death as they struggle to find a purpose to their lives, wondering "Was the trip worth it?" Alternatively, they may feel they have all the answers (not unlike going back to adolescence) and end with a strong dogmatism that only their view has been correct.

The significant relationship is with all of mankind—"my-kind."

(From) The Developmental Stages of Erik Erikson By Arlene F. Harder, MA, MFT

I was talking with a friend today, and she was telling me about being at work and wishing it was Friday, and her plans for that evening of working on a project with her daughter, house cleaning and laundry to be done. I said to her, "Your life must be filled with joy!" She said it was, and I'm know it's true. I have had the great fortune of being able to spend a lot of time with her, her boyfriend, and children. I hope it is a joyful life for them, because it certainly gives me a great deal of joy to watch them!

But, in talking to her today I felt melancholic for those days in my life. It dawned on me that those days are behind me. This of course caused me to reflect on where I'm at in life now. I studied Erikson's developmental stages years ago in college and looked up the previous passage to refresh my memory as to where I'm supposed to be at this point in life! What follows is a first attempt at deciding if I have reason for Integrity or Despair.

I would suppose that an assessment of one's life should begin with looking back to one's youthful hopes and dreams, then determine what was accomplished and what was not. But my problem is that I don't remember having any...LOL. Though, I guess that's not entirely true, "Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll" was my mantra from age 13 on. Even though I'm not particularly proud of it, I guess I did accomplish my youthful goals! Got strung out on every drug that was available at the time, and in the end, became a gutter hugging drunk. Had sex with hundreds of women. And certainly remember spending hours upon hours laying on the floor wasted/tripping or drunk listening to rock and roll! So, from this perspective I lived the life I set out to as a youth. Now is this a reason for Integrity or Despair?

In very early recovery this seemed to be a reason for despair. I was broken as a human being. My life up to this point was a source of a great deal of shame. I joined A.A., N.A. and S.A. in a desperate attempt to not only put that life behind me but to block it from memory. Fortunately, the twelve steps (particularly 9-12) helped me to put this youthful life in perspective. There is a passage in the Big Book that sums up my view now on this period of my life:

Showing others who suffer how we were given help is the very thing which makes life seem so worth while to us now. Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have -- the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them.

So, it would seem that God has turned what would have been a source of Despair in my life into a source of Integrity!

Update on "Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll": Have been in recovery for 19 years, leaving drugs/alcohol completely behind; have been in only three short term relationships since recovery, not entirely leaving sex behind but at least dramatically cutting back - progress not perfection in this area...LOL (will do a posting on these relationships soon); I don't listen to Rock any more, but have been know to listen to Smooth Jazz for hours. I tell myself this is not the same, but maybe I'm just rationalizing...LOL!

I would suppose that the next thing to assess is what has or hasn't been accomplished in my life that I wanted to since recovery began. I been trying to think of anything I wanted to do but haven't. But I am finding hard to think of anything. I mean, there are things like "skydiving"...LOL. But, considering I have had real opportunities to do it and have backed out, I guess I really don't Despair over not doing it! There is one thing I regret not accomplishing, having not found a long term intimate relationship. My friends assure me it is only a matter of time before I do...LOL. But, considering my track record so far: my relationships in recovery have been few and far between AND short lived, I am not hopeful. My last two Ex's suggested that my relationship with them was but a training ground for the "real" one to come. If that is the case, I may have too much to learn before I am ready! Now is this a reason for Integrity or Despair? The verdict is still out on this one. So many people seem to be wrestling with this same issue, I'm not unique (Who knew?). And perhaps, there really is still time. Hope springs eternal.

As I look back over my time in recovery, I have accomplished some things I could not have imagined in my youth. I have raised a daughter who never saw her father drunk or high, and who knows I love her. Beginning with a 9th grade education I got a bachelor's degree (BSW). I had a career where I rose to the top, and the performance of my job effected thousands of co-workers. I have sponsored so many people, many of which got AND stayed sober. I have gotten to participate in the transformation of so many lives. I founded numerous A.A. and N.A. groups (the oldest will be celebrating its 18th anniversary in June, "Aragona" A.A. group in Va. Beach). And have had the privilege to serve in just about every service position there is in the fellowships. There are two accomplishments in my recovery that go far beyond what I could have hoped for at any point in my life. The first is to experience the giving of love on all levels. From the 12th step call on the unknown drunk who didn't want or understand unconditional love, to the intimate caress of a woman who could (even if for only brief moment) want and accept unconditional love. The second accomplishment is to receive the unconditional love of so many friends and strangers. What an incredible gift the giving and receiving of love is to my life.

Erikson says it is at this point in life we ask ourselves, "Was the trip worth it?" The answer seems to be "Yes". Since I'm just entering this final stage of life I'm sure that this assessment may change over time. But for now it will do. As I review what I have written, I have at this moment a sense of Integrity about my life. And hopefulness, my life is not over and many of my accomplishments can be enhanced or built on. Also, many can be enjoyed for years to come. And who knows, perhaps some day I'll find someone to share it with!

We have shown how we got out from under. You say, "Yes, I'm willing. But am I to be consigned to a life where I shall be stupid, boring and glum, like some righteous people I see? I know I must get along without liquor, but how can I? Have you a sufficient substitute?"

Yes, there is a substitute and it is vastly more than that. It is a fellowship in Alcoholics Anonymous. There you will find release from care, boredom and worry. Your imagination will be fired. Life will mean something at last. The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead. Thus we find the fellowship, and so will you. ("A Vision for You" Big Book)

The love I seek is so deep, so faithful and true, I wonder if I will ever find someone that will love me in the way I desire. It goes deeper than passion, but as simple as politeness. I desire understanding, and an unfaltering trust. Someone that other than my Father, that I can run to when the world is cruel. Someone who will warm my heart with kindness and firmly speak truth to me in love. Someone that will sit and read with me but will also dance in the rain with me. Love is a funny thing. So often "found" and not kept. Why? Well it is because it was never found, for if it was it would be like a treasure, held tightly and never let go, valued above other things.

A. Steele

For all those keeping track...LOL. I have found a place to stay! I am now a roommate. So, no longer must I sleep on other peoples couches. Not say that I am ungrateful for the kindness that my friends have shown me, but it is nice to have a place to call home AND a bed to sleep in!

Work situation is looking up. I am now in a program that will help me transition back into the "real" work force. Its been six years since I have done work that I am trained and/or educated to do. Of course I have done odd jobs during this period, but not anything other than manual labor. Now don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with manual labor. But, at my age (54), it takes a toll that I can now longer endure.

Still no car, but as I have noted before, I don't have a pressing need for one now. Fortunately, friends have been kind enough to make sure I can get to meetings and such. I do though long for the time when I once again can be the one to pick people up for meetings.

Still having very good luck with the ladies! Still haven't found one...LOL!

On a more personal note; in my posting on "Emotional Sobriety" I mentioned that my struggles of late may have damaged some friendships beyond repair. I am delighted to say that such is not the case. I must admit though, that this is primarily due to God's grace and all of my friends' kindness! Even after all these years, I am still humbled by the unconditional love that is found in our fellowship!

"Suddenly I realized what the matter was. My basic flaw had always been dependence -- almost absolute dependence -- on people or circumstances to supply me with prestige, security, and the like. Failing to get these things according to my perfectionist dreams and specifications, I had fought for them. And when defeat came, so did my depression.

There wasn't a chance of making the outgoing love of St. Francis a workable and joyous way of life until these fatal and almost absolute dependencies were cut away.

Because I had over the years undergone a little spiritual development, the absolute quality of these frightful dependencies had never before been so starkly revealed. Reinforced by what Grace I could secure in prayer, I found I had to exert every ounce of will and action to cut off these faulty emotional dependencies upon people, upon AA, indeed, upon any set of circumstances whatsoever.

Then only could I be free to love as Francis had. Emotional and instinctual satisfactions, I saw, were really the extra dividends of having love, offering love, and expressing a love appropriate to each relation of life.

Plainly, I could not avail myself of God's love until I was able to offer it back to Him by loving others as He would have me. And I couldn't possibly do that so long as I was victimized by false dependencies."

(Grapevine, January, Bill W.  1958) Full Article Here

This article has a great impact on me over the years. I first read it early in my sobriety when the book "Language of the Heart" was published. Of course back then I had little understanding of its implications for my life. At that time the only thing I could depend on for anything like "prestige, security, and the like" was A.A. its self. And fortunately, the oldtimers back then made sure that I didn't depend on A.A. too much...LOL. And "Those adolescent urges that so many of us have for top approval, perfect security, and perfect romance..." had long past before coming into recovery.

The early years of recovery were like a fairy tale. Things I never dared dream of came true; higher education, career, family, deacon in a church, recognized member of the community, sponsoring lots of people, starting meetings, DCM, etc. Without realizing it, I had worked very hard to build the perfectionist dream the article talks about. For a time it seemed that I had achieved it AND that it would last forever!

But, alas, it all fell apart. The details of how all this came about will be discussed in another posting. Suffice it to say, it was about 50-50 between circumstances beyond my control and character defects that I had yet to recognize and work on. As my world fell apart I fell into a deep depression. It was at this time I picked up this article again. I must have read it a hundred times (along with the St Francis Prayer). As Bill W. said, I knew the answer was in that prayer, and that the action was to break those dependencies. But how? Once again, the answer was lost to me.

In the years that followed, the depression worsened. Circumstances and choices I made (which still seem right to me) pushed the hope of regaining that perfectionist dream ever farther away. Which I realize now, was the source of my depression. But, at the time, I could not see that. What I saw, was that my life (God) was conspiring to make me give up on all the things that I had thought would bring happiness! In fact, I came to believe that personal happiness (at least for me) was to be given up. During these years of depression, I threw myself into service to family, A.A., sponsees, etc. I gave up on career, friends, romance, prestige, security, etc. For this is how I came to interpret the St Francis prayer.  Had not St Francis himself given up great wealth, prestige, and romance to pursue a life of service to God and his fellow man? And, "It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life" surely meant that happiness was to be only found then.

One thing that I did learn during this period is that service to others, regardless of the motive, is rewarding! So rewarding in fact, that it made the depression manageable and kept the thoughts of suicide at bay. I know from my own experience, that matter how bad things are, helping another alcoholic/family member/stranger will keep you sober and alive for at least that day! As Bill W. notes in the 12&12 two-stepping can carry you for a long time. But, as he also notes, it is not a life filled with happiness and joy.

I have heard it said that normal people can think themselves into right actions. I suppose this is the theory behind "Positive Thinking", and that positive affirmations can change peoples lives. But, it has been my experience, and from what I have seen in other alcoholics, that we have to do the opposite! I have to act my way into right thinking! After years of being of service to others simply because it was the right way to act, the thinking slowly started to catch up. I realized that being of service to others was an act of love to them. Whether or not I felt that love, they did. And, if they accepted that love, they were then open to receive an even greater love from God! A Love that had the power to change them. By simply doing the right thing, I was a "channel of God's peace". At first this realization was a bit disturbing. If God was using me to offer His love to others AND was changing their lives, what about me? I don't know if it could be called a spiritual awaking, but it dawned on me that I must have had God's love along. Surely I could not give away what I did not have, and I had seen too many lives transformed before my very eyes to doubt. A quick survey of my life made me see that God had supplied all my needs in spite of me...LOL, and that His love had flowed through me the whole time!

This awaking opened the door to incredible things. Willing and eager sponsees flocked to me. (Several of these sponsees others had given up on entirely, but they worked the steps and started sponsoring others!) My home group grew and went through a wonderful transformation, eagerly reaching out to the newcomer. Miracles became the order of the day for many! It was an amazing time. My depression was nearly lifted (though not entirely removed). And, of course I basked in the "The sunlight of the Spirit".

I wish at this point I could say, "Then, I lived happily ever after!"...LOL. But, such is not the case because there was still an issue yet unresolved. "Those adolescent urges that so many of us have for top approval, perfect security, and perfect romance..." returned with a vengeance and with them my depression returned with a vengeance as well! "My God, how painful it is to keep demanding the impossible, and how very painful to discover finally, that all along we have had the cart before the horse! Then comes the final agony of seeing how awfully wrong we have been, but still finding ourselves unable to get off the emotional merry-go-round."

In my post on the 7th step you can see the beginnings of the work I have done to get off this merry-go-round. The defects I described in recent postings run deep in me, and yet another 4th &5th steps has been needed to get at the heart of my perfectionist dreams. I finally understand what Bill W. meant when he wrote "Reinforced by what Grace I could secure in prayer, I found I had to exert every ounce of will and action to cut off these faulty emotional dependencies upon people, upon AA, indeed, upon any set of circumstances whatsoever." There is still much work for me to do. My defects and perfectionist dreams have not only hurt me, but all those close to me. Repairing the damage will not be easy. Some friendships are lost for good I fear.

In the end though, I think I finally understand. "This seems to be the primary healing circuit: an outgoing love of God's creation and His people, by means of which we avail ourselves of His love for us. It is most clear that the current can't flow until our paralyzing dependencies are broken, and broken at depth. Only then can we possibly have a glimmer of what adult love really is."

In "My Interests" I list trying to find work, place to live, car, and a woman. LOL, perhaps I should clarify this list. A comment from look@mybutt.com on my 7th step posting suggested that I might really want to work on Tradition 7...LOL. Fair enough! Admittedly, its been a long time since I really applied this principle in my life. The "new" defect that I have been working step 7 on is "Sloth", in spite of the fact that I had done a 4th & 5th step recently (and the results of my life screamed it), it took my sponsor (and a dear friend) pointing it out before I could see it. Fortunately, as I noted in the 7th step posting, I am getting some relief from this (and other defects).

So, an update:

Finding work: Still don't have a full time job (which is the goal) but, have two part time jobs!

Find place to live: Really wasn't homeless in the sense that I didn't have to sleep under a bridge (been there, done that). But have been staying with friends and family. Update; have found a place to live that I can afford. Moving in this Saturday (Yippee)

Finding car: No luck with this one yet, but I have a couple of months till I really have to have one.

Finding woman: I have had some good luck here, haven't found one! Whew.........

So, thanks for the comment look@mybutt.com, certainly will be practicing the principle of Tradition 7!